It is easy to believe we are each waves and forget we are also the ocean.
Jon J. Muth
What happens when life breaks down? When there is systemic contradiction? When the ground beneath your feet is slipping away and you can’t recognize yourself? What does it feel like? Like always one step forward and two back again – things go wrong no matter what I do..
* * *
Yesterday I hurt deep someone who is everything to me, who can understand me without words, who knows the real me and loves me with all my fears, weaknesses and mood swings. All that happened because of my job. I can’t control myself anymore. I’m always feeling sad, irritated, angry and disappointed. Job already took almost everything that was most important to me – smile (no one could imagine me without it), optimism, creativity, trust, self-esteem, time and love…
A few days ago, I met an old friend. I told her that I work with ruthless people. She told me that people come and go, that I have to be selfish and ruthless, because only those people can achieve something in this life. And then she told me another film The Devil Wears Prada interpretation, of which I had not thought of, that, one of the city’s biggest magazine editors, cynical, powerful and sophisticated Miranda Priestly is the best example, how I should live. Friend also told me that Andrea (simple and naive girl from the small town, who was trying to work as Miranda Priestly assistant and who, at the end of that movie, quit a job and refused to career, because it was not all what she wanted) is the worst example and such a person is worthless.
I thought for a long time about what she said. I tried to convince myself that my old friend told me the truth, that I have to close my eyes for my sincerity, goodness and behave as did Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, that is normal to work with people like her. But you know what? I can’t do this. Maybe I’m stupid or weak, but I want to be different. I have to be different, because I hate when people lie in your eyes, when they treat you as the garbage and when they only use you. I’ve experienced it and I don’t wish anyone else to feel it, because it hurts, it really hurts and sometimes so greatly that even hard to breathe…
* * *
we are magic.
we are moments.
we are dreams and
we are memories.
we are everything.
and in the depths
we swim deeper to
discover that we
are not born whole
so we cannot be broken.
we are born in two’s, and we are searching,
searching for the other piece,
that other person
to guide us home.
R. M. Drake
There comes a moment in your life, when you have to choose what you’ll do next. And it’s not the easiest choice.
Have you ever wondered how much you can change your life from each decision? I’m thinking about this all the time, because I know that sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. It’s so hard to move on, but once you move on, you realize it was the best decision you’ve ever made. But how to know that you are in the right direction?
The answer is likely hiding in my heart. I just need to calm down and to hear it.
I think that the most courageous decision I’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting my heart and soul. I’m sure that I have to go and leave behind me all those people who hurt me. I was too naive, too stupid and it’s only my fault, because I believed that people can change. But I’ve also learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people may forget what you said, what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. I felt it on myself.
In my opinion, happiness is also a decision, because you are as happy as you decide to be. So it’s time when I have to choose between turning the page and closing the book of my past life. I think, the first step towards getting somewhere I always wanted to be, is to decide that I’m not going to stay where I am, so I choose closing the book.
I want to be proud of what I will become, so I have to stop lying to myself and finally start doing what I’ve always dreamed of, because I want to live my life like I want to, not how people say I should. And maybe I’m really afraid to fail, but I think this is worth fighting for and it would be much worse not to try.